Rest in Peace
by mystikeyes
Summary: Song fic from the BTVS musical. Dramione!


Disclaimer: I don't own. JKR does and the song is from buffy. Don't sue. :P

**Rest in Peace**

My breath was coming out in billows of smoke as I walked a circle around the lake for another time. I'd lost count over an hour ago. This was usually my least favorite part of winter, the crisp air stinging my throat, then the rush of warmth that came surging through as I exhaled. Not this year though. There was nothing else that could compare to this year. Not that there ever was, but that crisp, stinging air had always made me feel alive again, even if it was for only moments. I hated it.

Id felt dead the majority of my short life, like an animated puppet, with one Malfoy or another pulling the strings. Usually my father… Most of the signs of death were already present anyway, the pale skin, the dead, blank eyes, I could rarely even find my own heartbeat when I bothered to try. The few who I actually joked around with knew I would say that I didn't have a heartbeat, that I was a fearless walking corpse. You cant kill whats already dead right? My enemies would never stand a chance. Normal people had others in their lives that they cared about, looked out for. It was their weakness, their inevitable downfall. Being dead was what I strived for, nothing could be used against me….

….until I found her.

She became everything to me. She brought me back to life, and I didn't mind. I knew I'd never understand it, and for once I didn't bother to try. It would only confuse me more. I'd spent all the years I'd known her hating the very air she breathed, for it kept her alive. Until a few long months ago that is.

We'd been made Head Boy and Girl, so we shared the Head suite in the castle. I had to live with my worst enemy. We were assigned to be partners in potions yet again, and all the Head duties kept us together constantly. The only comfort I found in all of this was that I could spend all day every day making her life hell.

…And then somehow, little by little she showed me just how wrong my family was about muggleborns, how wrong I'd been about her. She wasn't the goody goody bookworm she came off as…ok she wasn't _only_ that. When we finally put aside our differences, we stayed up all night in our common room talking about everything we could think of.

She made me read books I never would have touched on a bet, I made her fly a broomstick. I talked endless to her about quiddith until she understood everything about it and was able to put Potter and Weasel to shame, she let me listen to her muggle music and some of it was…too bad. Some would say it was only natural, and I couldn't help myself. I fell for her. My family be damned. She laughed once and said that Dumbledore and Snape must be playing matchmaker. She may very well have been right. We were given little to no supervision.

…but she doesn't love me. She knows I love her. I made no secret of it. She was the only one who saw that side of me. The open, honest side, but it wasn't enough for her. Though every now and then she gives me the gift of herself, usually in the heat of an argument we get into, sometimes it happens when she gets lonely, sometimes when she's upset, or after a fight with one of her bodyguards. There was always an excuse. Tonight had been no different.

_I died so many years ago_

_But you can make me feel like it isn't so_

_And why you come to be with me I think I finally know_

I had been fortunate enough to see her having an open yelling match with Weasel in the halls, and I practically ran back to the Head suite to wait for her. I had quickly made sure I looked irresistible, grabbed whatever book was lying about, and made myself look like I wasn't waiting for her, wasn't looking for any excuse to be with her. Like clockwork, a few minutes later she stormed into the suite, red faced and eyes still damp. I did what she needed, I comforted her, told her Weasel was daft, and offered to sincerely take him out personally. I made her laugh, I always did. She embraced me and led me to my own room.

For those too short hours, I was alive yet again. I knew soon she'd be gone again, soon telling me it was wrong to do this again. " Why do I keep doing this? Im sorry Malfoy, its not right. Were too different, you know that!" she always ended up saying something close to that afterwards. I laughed bitterly to myself every time. All I heard was "yada yada im scared." She always made me swear not to tell a soul afterwards.

_You're scared, ashamed of what you feel_

_And you __cant__ tell the ones you love_

_You know they couldn't deal_

_Whisper in a dead mans ear_

_It doesn't make it real_

I laid there with her, stroking her hair, the skin of her neck, her arm. I couldn't tell if she was sleeping or not, but it really didn't matter anyway. I think I prefer her to be sleeping right now, means she wouldn't be leaving just yet. This was the time I waited for. Don get me wrong, the sex is amazing, but laying there with her, it felt like a normal relationship. Not the dirty, dark secret she made it to be.

"Harry and Ron would never accept this, and neither would your family, you know that! Cant we just keep this between us? Its not like this is ever gonna really go anywhere Malfoy…"

_That's great, but I don't __wanna__ play_

_'Cause being with you touches me more than I can say_

_But since __im__ only dead to you_

_Im__ saying "stay away" _

_And let me rest in peace_

I didn't want this, didn't want any of it. I didn't ask to fall for Hermione Granger. I'd put anend to it again and again. I had to. To get over her. Find someone worthy of me, but no one else even registered to me anymore. I tried to get other girls, they couldn't hold a wand to Hermione. After a few weeks of her 'honoring' my wishes, I'd break down. Desperate to touch her again. Sometimes she gave in, sometimes she didn't. But when she didn't, she knew I would be there waiting next time. I was always waiting. I never got a moments peace.

_Let me rest in peace, let me get some sleep_

_Let me take my love and bury it_

_In a hole six foot deep_

_I can lay my body down _

_But I __cant__ find my sweet release_

_So let me rest in peace_

It was well after midnight. I'd been walking around the lake for what must be hours now. I couldn't go back yet, couldn't take offering everything just to be shot down again

_You know you got a willing slav__e_

_And you just love to play the thought_

_That you might misbehave_

_Til__ you do __im__tellin__ you_

_Stop visiting my grave_

_And let me rest in peace_

What an idiot I am! Why did I have to do it? I asked her to marry me tonight. I offered to disown my entire family, the entire fortune, my noble pureblood name, my reputation, I offered it all to her. I thought maybe, maybe, if she saw how serious I was about her, that she would finally admit she loved me too. She called me crazy. Maybe I am, crazy for thinking she would ever love me, ever be more than a bit of fun, a fling. The worst part was, I couldn't even be mad at her. I couldn't help it. She makes me feel alive and when she left each time I felt worse than ever. When she leaves my room reminds me of a tomb. I didn't enjoy the feeling as I once did anymore.

_I know I should go, _

_but__ I follow you, like a man possessed_

_There's a traitor here, beneath my breast_

_And it hurts me more than you've ever guessed_

_If my heart could beat it would break my chest_

_But I can see you're unimpressed_

_So leave me be_

I cant do this anymore. I told her it was over for good unless she wanted to actually be mine. Same excuses, same complications, but she'd always come back. Doesn't that mean something? Doesn't it mean she feels more than lust, needs more than comfort from the enemy of her best friends? Maybe if I put my foot down, ill get the one thing I need from her. At the very least maybe a bit of graditude for betraying everything id ever known for her. Doesn't she realize how much this hurts? How much this must mean to me to do all this? Im Draco Malfoy! Im the proudest person Ive ever met, and I lowered myself to practically begging her once.

And they call me the cold one.

Ill never give up on her. I refuse to give in to her anymore, but ill never give up on making her mine. She makes me feel alive and at the same time makes me long for the times when I felt dead. At least when youre dead you feel no pain.

_Why __wont__ you let me rest in peace_


End file.
